Last night my husband and I went to a play party. It's the first time we've been to a one in years. Years. Jeez, just thinking about it makes me feel old!
Anyway, that's so not my point. We had a wonderful time. And part of what made my night so interesting and wonderful is that I got to watch a woman play with a puppy - that's my point. I have no clue who the puppy is, and it's kinda driving me mad not knowing. I'm not even sure what I would do with the knowledge beyond reading his fetlife profile, if he has one. I'm way too shy to message him. Besides, I don't want to be the creepy old woman that tells him he's hot. I'm assuming he's male because of his 'package' and the fact I heard the lady say 'good boy' at one point.
And yes I looked at his package, it was hard not to! I was sitting upstairs with my husband while he was putting gloves on. I think I might have been in a bit of a haze, because suddenly there was a puppy just a few feet from me, squatting and putting on gloves. I'm a pervert, I looked.
I've never really seen puppy play before. Years ago now, at the Church street fetish fair, I saw puppies playing in the park. I watched for quite some time, entranced. It had a dog-fight feel (which I didn't like), as there were all these people with puppies standing in a circle with two puppies in the center sniffing and rough-housing. As much as it intrigued me, I... just didn't get it.
I digress, again.
Last night I was fascinated once more. The combination of leather and muscular kneeling male really does something to me. I felt like a creepy old pervert (and more so for admitting it), but I loved watching him. Just the simple play of his muscles under his skin, they way he shuddered when he was petted was delicious. But mostly, I just really really wanted to pet him.
Then I saw the lady play with him and I creamed my panties.
I don't know if that's how all puppy play goes, but oh my. It was hot. So hot.
I cannot stop thinking about the puppy!!
Hopefully we'll continue to go to events. Aside from really enjoying playing in public again and whatnot, I hope to get another chance to see this puppy, or some other. And hopefully, someday I'll be brave enough to first ask about his owner, and second ask said owner permission to pet the puppy.
That last part will be really hard for me. I have... issues, though, don't we all? And I... I don't feel like I have anything to recommend myself to strangers. I want to say I don't feel worthy, but I'm not sure that's right at all. I don't feel... desirable. I know my husband wants me, but he loves me; he's biased. I worry about interacting with strangers. My life experiences thus far have taught me that nine times out of ten the reaction I get can be summed up in one thought: "oh god, please no".
I guess it all boils down to being terrified of rejection. Rejection that I feel is mostly justified, though that doesn't make it hurt any less. I mean, I'm ogre sized - tall, wide, and really really fat. I'm a terrible submissive. I'm shy, sometimes painfully so, but I also randomly speak without thinking and often make not great first impressions. So yeah, I expect to be rejected. I can be fairly oblivious, but I see the looks of disgust I get every day on the street. Kinky people are just people after all, why should they be any different?
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
The Dragon And The Wind
I had the best dream last night! It was soooo hot. So hot. I have to make it into a short story. Its sitting in my head, making my blood burn through my veins and my clit ache with need.
I'm not usually attracted to Asian men. I think it's the lack of hair. For better or worse, I dig men with chest hair, leg hair, just, that typical Caucasian male hairy factor. All the Asian men I've personally known didn't fit that.
The two in my dream did though. Woot.
One, the one I think of as The Wind, was in a black suit(black shirt & tie even), perfectly tailored for his powerful, lean body, very modern, very rich. His hair was about as dark a coppery red as you could get without it being black. It was sort of shaggy, as in all his hair was about 5 inches long, giving it lots of layers, but shaggy denotes careless, but he was anything but. His hair was thick, straight, and so shiny. It fell around his delicately angular face, framing it perfectly. His appearance spoke of control, power, stubborn careful patience(he would have his way, eventually), dominance, elegance, sophistication. He had long elegant fingers, with perfect nails, short, but well cared for, still very much male. He was the Wind, and his name was Kai.
The other was so much like him, and yet so different. Asian, tall, broad shoulders narrowing in a perfect V to a slim waist. Dark-ish golden skin. Sparkling brown eyes. He was broader, looked more muscular,than his friend, and had tanned skin. I don't remember the colour of Kai's eyes for some reason. The only memory I have of his face, his eyes were shielded by his hair. This man, The Dragon, his jet black hair was back from his handsome face. He had a wide, welcoming smile. I couldn't not smile back at him. He exuded such good will and charm. His eyes sparkled with mischief. His body moved with powerful grace. His energy was barely contained within his skin. He spoke of playful power, benevolence, heat, sexual prowess, confidence, dominance, and desire.
The dragon had a tattoo of a red dragon with bright yellow, orange and all the colour of fall or fire for highlights, SO pretty, with some kind of water element, or maybe wind? The dragon was chasing a girl, in some kind of long something, maybe a kimono. The water/air element seperated the dragon from the girl. It was wrapped around his left left from just above his ankle to his knee. stunning. I remember kissing his hair leg over his tattoo. Such desire.
And butt sex! Fuck it was a hot dream!
I'm not usually attracted to Asian men. I think it's the lack of hair. For better or worse, I dig men with chest hair, leg hair, just, that typical Caucasian male hairy factor. All the Asian men I've personally known didn't fit that.
The two in my dream did though. Woot.
One, the one I think of as The Wind, was in a black suit(black shirt & tie even), perfectly tailored for his powerful, lean body, very modern, very rich. His hair was about as dark a coppery red as you could get without it being black. It was sort of shaggy, as in all his hair was about 5 inches long, giving it lots of layers, but shaggy denotes careless, but he was anything but. His hair was thick, straight, and so shiny. It fell around his delicately angular face, framing it perfectly. His appearance spoke of control, power, stubborn careful patience(he would have his way, eventually), dominance, elegance, sophistication. He had long elegant fingers, with perfect nails, short, but well cared for, still very much male. He was the Wind, and his name was Kai.
The other was so much like him, and yet so different. Asian, tall, broad shoulders narrowing in a perfect V to a slim waist. Dark-ish golden skin. Sparkling brown eyes. He was broader, looked more muscular,than his friend, and had tanned skin. I don't remember the colour of Kai's eyes for some reason. The only memory I have of his face, his eyes were shielded by his hair. This man, The Dragon, his jet black hair was back from his handsome face. He had a wide, welcoming smile. I couldn't not smile back at him. He exuded such good will and charm. His eyes sparkled with mischief. His body moved with powerful grace. His energy was barely contained within his skin. He spoke of playful power, benevolence, heat, sexual prowess, confidence, dominance, and desire.
The dragon had a tattoo of a red dragon with bright yellow, orange and all the colour of fall or fire for highlights, SO pretty, with some kind of water element, or maybe wind? The dragon was chasing a girl, in some kind of long something, maybe a kimono. The water/air element seperated the dragon from the girl. It was wrapped around his left left from just above his ankle to his knee. stunning. I remember kissing his hair leg over his tattoo. Such desire.
And butt sex! Fuck it was a hot dream!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I won Nano!!
51,240 words to be exact.
6,614 words, or 15 pages (with section breaks) written today!! I've never written so much! And I don't feel totally melted! Go me!!
My story isn't finished though. Close. So close. Going to keep writing like the wind, and hopefully, by the end of November I will have a complete rough draft!
6,614 words, or 15 pages (with section breaks) written today!! I've never written so much! And I don't feel totally melted! Go me!!
My story isn't finished though. Close. So close. Going to keep writing like the wind, and hopefully, by the end of November I will have a complete rough draft!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Behind on Word Count, Plot stalled
As of today, I'm behind on my Nano, by oh, a couple thousand words.
Bigger issue is, I have no... inspiration for my sex scene. How did I manage to only have ONE, ONE sex scene?! This isn't like me at all. Weirder still is, I can't seem to write the bloody thing! BAH!
And my plot. Fuck plot. I'm screwed! I can no climax, because I can't figure out the fucking logistics! Gods damnit.
So I know I want my heroine to get kidnapped.
And she saves herself.
My hero arrives on scene (with or without? the cops) just in time to see my heroine beating the shit out of her stalker turned kidnapper.
It's all the bit inbetween that are making me crazy.
ONE
How does the stalker steal/car jack the taxi? --- Car jackings only work 50% of the time, and are physical and violent. My stalker is cool violent, but he's so not the hand to hand type.
TWO
How does my stalker subdue my Heroine? --- She's taking a cab to the train station, it's a five minute ride. She doesn't know the area, so she isn't going to know they're going the wrong way until that five minute point. At that point how is he going to keep her from calling the cops, or just jumping out of the cab? It's just him, he can't have a gun pointed at her, watch her AND drive.
THREE
Does he knock her out? --- If so, with WHAT?? I've done the research, his best bet would be diazepam. Aka. Vallum. He could use his Dad's pills and crush them to make a liquid for injection BUT he'd HAVE to hit a vein or it wouldn't work, intramuscular injection is shoddy and unpredictable.
FOUR
If he goes with injected vallum, how long will it last? -- A medically approved does works in under ten minutes, if done via a vein, and it's half-life is 30-60 minutes, which means about that time the patient will likely be more themselves than not. How does that timeline change when the 'patient' basically ODs? Overdose is safe in a healthy person, so he's not at risk of killing her, just knocking her out for longer, I'm assuming? But that's just it, I couldn't find info on how much longer, if longer it would work. From what I read it WOULD work longer, as the same dose for a heathly adult, in an elderly person would be stronger and last longer. But HOW much longer?
FIVE
Assuming he manages to get the cab, what does he do with the cabbie??? Does he hit him unconscious? Does he shoot him and stick him in the trunk for later disposal? Does he tie/tape him up and put him in the trunk to deal with later? AGAIN what does he do with the cabbie? Once he gets Eli to his shop, does he go out and dump the cab with cabie? But he'd have to have to put it somewhere far enough from his shop to not put suspicion on himself. And somewhere the cab wouldn't be noticed right away. BUT then how does he get back to his shop??
SIX
What does he do with the GPS that was in the cab? Does he remove it and put it in a car he's fixing?--trouble is, this is monday and the shop is closed, so the client would think it weird they were getting their car back, and the GPS would be too quickly located and traced back to my stalker. Another idea, he can duct tape it to a transport truck that's being loaded in one of the neighbouring lots near his shop.
SEVEN
What is my stalker's fatal mistake, IE, how does the cops or just my colonel find him?!?! *sigh* I don't want to make it too easy, but then, if I cover all my steps, then how the hell does he/they find her?! BAH, BAH I say!
There are so many questions! And not enough answers. Not enough plausible steps. It's all... too overwhelming. It makes me want to give up entirely. It's just too damn complicated. And every time I think I have a solution, I only raise more questions. And my husband, who I forced into helping me vett my plan just kept raining all over my parade with hard truths that meant nothing I suggested would work. *pout*
Bigger issue is, I have no... inspiration for my sex scene. How did I manage to only have ONE, ONE sex scene?! This isn't like me at all. Weirder still is, I can't seem to write the bloody thing! BAH!
And my plot. Fuck plot. I'm screwed! I can no climax, because I can't figure out the fucking logistics! Gods damnit.
So I know I want my heroine to get kidnapped.
And she saves herself.
My hero arrives on scene (with or without? the cops) just in time to see my heroine beating the shit out of her stalker turned kidnapper.
It's all the bit inbetween that are making me crazy.
ONE
How does the stalker steal/car jack the taxi? --- Car jackings only work 50% of the time, and are physical and violent. My stalker is cool violent, but he's so not the hand to hand type.
TWO
How does my stalker subdue my Heroine? --- She's taking a cab to the train station, it's a five minute ride. She doesn't know the area, so she isn't going to know they're going the wrong way until that five minute point. At that point how is he going to keep her from calling the cops, or just jumping out of the cab? It's just him, he can't have a gun pointed at her, watch her AND drive.
THREE
Does he knock her out? --- If so, with WHAT?? I've done the research, his best bet would be diazepam. Aka. Vallum. He could use his Dad's pills and crush them to make a liquid for injection BUT he'd HAVE to hit a vein or it wouldn't work, intramuscular injection is shoddy and unpredictable.
FOUR
If he goes with injected vallum, how long will it last? -- A medically approved does works in under ten minutes, if done via a vein, and it's half-life is 30-60 minutes, which means about that time the patient will likely be more themselves than not. How does that timeline change when the 'patient' basically ODs? Overdose is safe in a healthy person, so he's not at risk of killing her, just knocking her out for longer, I'm assuming? But that's just it, I couldn't find info on how much longer, if longer it would work. From what I read it WOULD work longer, as the same dose for a heathly adult, in an elderly person would be stronger and last longer. But HOW much longer?
FIVE
Assuming he manages to get the cab, what does he do with the cabbie??? Does he hit him unconscious? Does he shoot him and stick him in the trunk for later disposal? Does he tie/tape him up and put him in the trunk to deal with later? AGAIN what does he do with the cabbie? Once he gets Eli to his shop, does he go out and dump the cab with cabie? But he'd have to have to put it somewhere far enough from his shop to not put suspicion on himself. And somewhere the cab wouldn't be noticed right away. BUT then how does he get back to his shop??
SIX
What does he do with the GPS that was in the cab? Does he remove it and put it in a car he's fixing?--trouble is, this is monday and the shop is closed, so the client would think it weird they were getting their car back, and the GPS would be too quickly located and traced back to my stalker. Another idea, he can duct tape it to a transport truck that's being loaded in one of the neighbouring lots near his shop.
SEVEN
What is my stalker's fatal mistake, IE, how does the cops or just my colonel find him?!?! *sigh* I don't want to make it too easy, but then, if I cover all my steps, then how the hell does he/they find her?! BAH, BAH I say!
There are so many questions! And not enough answers. Not enough plausible steps. It's all... too overwhelming. It makes me want to give up entirely. It's just too damn complicated. And every time I think I have a solution, I only raise more questions. And my husband, who I forced into helping me vett my plan just kept raining all over my parade with hard truths that meant nothing I suggested would work. *pout*
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
A New Day
And I'm kinda rather terrified to try that sex scene again. It was so hard to get even a few words last night. And my jaw still aches like nothing else I've dealt with. I'm just not sure I can do it. *sigh*
Maybe I'll work on my plot. I still haven't figured out the logistics of the grand finale. I'm not sure What my stalker is going to do with Eli or how Eli is going to manage to get out of her bonds and kick his ass.
Maybe the stalker will underestimate her abilities? Maybe he'll get a call from his Dad and be forced to leave her alone? But I'm not sure anything would take him away from her, though a call from his Dad would most definitely make him leave the room as he wouldn't want her to hear how his father berates him, or how he does his father's bidding, for the most part. He wouldn't want to ruin Eli's opinion of him, or something.
I need to work on a plausible time-line though. I still haven't gotten that totally worked out yet.
Maybe I'll work on my plot. I still haven't figured out the logistics of the grand finale. I'm not sure What my stalker is going to do with Eli or how Eli is going to manage to get out of her bonds and kick his ass.
Maybe the stalker will underestimate her abilities? Maybe he'll get a call from his Dad and be forced to leave her alone? But I'm not sure anything would take him away from her, though a call from his Dad would most definitely make him leave the room as he wouldn't want her to hear how his father berates him, or how he does his father's bidding, for the most part. He wouldn't want to ruin Eli's opinion of him, or something.
I need to work on a plausible time-line though. I still haven't gotten that totally worked out yet.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Ow.
I do not want to work through my pain. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Or maybe scream. But if I start screaming I'm not sure I can stop.
Chronic Pain and Writing.
I live with chronic pain. Most of the time I'd say a do fairly well. Mind you, I can't hold down a job, but I can contribute to our little family by getting groceries, doing dishes, keeping the apartment clean, making soups, chili, muffins and the like.
For the past week now I've been flaring pretty badly. It's been an active fight to overcome/ignore the pain to the point I can use my brain for things like thinking and writing. I haven't had a lot of time where my brain was mine to use. Most of the time my brain shuts down it's higher functions in order to process less of the pain my body is wracked with.
When I'm in pain, I clench my teeth. I don't even notice I do it. I've tried to stop myself, but I don't seem capable. After the week I've had my mouth is in agony. My teeth ache root deep. The roots feel like hot spikes going into my jaw. It hurts to move my jaw at all. Eating is torture as it puts pressure on my teeth, and up the pain. Even soft things hurt.
I've been taking muscle relaxants. I even wore my night gaurd last night. But still I ache. It's horrible. It makes my whole face hurt, like someone has beat the shit out of me.
Needless to say, after all that, that it's very hard for me to find time when I'm not in agony, to write.
Today, the scene I need to write it one I've actually been looking forward to -- the first (only?) big sex scene in my novella. I think I might have to up the sex quotiant with like wanking/fantasy sessions in editing, but for now, first time my two MCs get together.
And you know what?! I can't fucking write it. My brain refuses to go there. I just. I can't. Goddess save me, I can't. It makes no sense. Sex is the only thing I've ever been sure I was good at writing, and now, now my brain refuses to process the scene.
What. The. Fuck.
The only thing I can even think to blame this on is the pain. I'm not sure I could write any other scene at the moment either. Just too much pain to go there. It overwhelms me. It crushes me. It beats me to a bloody mindless pulp.
I don't. I don't know what to do. How the fuck do I get myself to stop doing something that is as instinctual as breathing for me?! And how do I turn this ache down?! If I didn't think I knew the cause I'd be sitting in an ER somewhere begging for x-rays and pain killers. Man I wish I had some pain killers. *cries*
For the past week now I've been flaring pretty badly. It's been an active fight to overcome/ignore the pain to the point I can use my brain for things like thinking and writing. I haven't had a lot of time where my brain was mine to use. Most of the time my brain shuts down it's higher functions in order to process less of the pain my body is wracked with.
When I'm in pain, I clench my teeth. I don't even notice I do it. I've tried to stop myself, but I don't seem capable. After the week I've had my mouth is in agony. My teeth ache root deep. The roots feel like hot spikes going into my jaw. It hurts to move my jaw at all. Eating is torture as it puts pressure on my teeth, and up the pain. Even soft things hurt.
I've been taking muscle relaxants. I even wore my night gaurd last night. But still I ache. It's horrible. It makes my whole face hurt, like someone has beat the shit out of me.
Needless to say, after all that, that it's very hard for me to find time when I'm not in agony, to write.
Today, the scene I need to write it one I've actually been looking forward to -- the first (only?) big sex scene in my novella. I think I might have to up the sex quotiant with like wanking/fantasy sessions in editing, but for now, first time my two MCs get together.
And you know what?! I can't fucking write it. My brain refuses to go there. I just. I can't. Goddess save me, I can't. It makes no sense. Sex is the only thing I've ever been sure I was good at writing, and now, now my brain refuses to process the scene.
What. The. Fuck.
The only thing I can even think to blame this on is the pain. I'm not sure I could write any other scene at the moment either. Just too much pain to go there. It overwhelms me. It crushes me. It beats me to a bloody mindless pulp.
I don't. I don't know what to do. How the fuck do I get myself to stop doing something that is as instinctual as breathing for me?! And how do I turn this ache down?! If I didn't think I knew the cause I'd be sitting in an ER somewhere begging for x-rays and pain killers. Man I wish I had some pain killers. *cries*
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