NANO 2011

So I've been totally remiss in posting here.

I totally blame the fact that I've been writing. I'm totally amazed by myself. Almost every day I've set out to write I've gotten about 2600 words. If I push myself I can make 3000 but that takes ALL day, and a late night usually.

I write to music. I need a soundtrack at all times or the silence actually distracts me. I know, I'm a little strange. But I'm not the only author that needs music.

Laurell K Hamilton always has music going when she writes it seems. Following her twitter feed has been really informative. She's a pretty cool lady. Though I think she's a bit of a health nut, and it seems like she doesn't eat enough to keep a bird alive. Still, I love hearing about her day to day writing. She's like a machine! Seriously. I don't think I could ever write as much as she does; if for no other reason than I type waaaaay slower than she does. She can do 250 words a minute!! How is that even possible? I don't know, but I'm impressed.

Anyway! This year, as mentioned, I'm doing a pretty traditional 'romance' story. It's one that's been stuck in my head for some time. Eli St Clair and Lt. Colonel Ben Davis.

I've never actually attempted a true romance before. Well, that is, I've never attempted one at this scale. Most of the things I've written, when not pure porn, have been stories of females discovering themselves, stories of personal growth from a woman's perspective. I guess I'm more of a feminist than I realized. heh. Cool.

Anyway! Geez. Off topic much?

This one isn't about self discovery. It's about two people who've developed feeling for each other online, taking a chance, spending time together, and coming to realize they never want to be apart again. I've added a little danger, and a 'villian' they can fight together. I'm sure in the editing I'll have to add more strife, more doubt or something...

So far I've got just over 20,000 words on 45 pages. I'm not entirely sure I'm half way through my story or not. The second half in terms of timeline, is content/action heavy.

This NANO I'm battling a lot of self doubt. Every time I start a scene I worry whether or not the scene is really necessary for the story, or if it's just pointless filler. I worry I'm not showing POV (point of view) well enough. I worry I don't have enough scenes in Ben's POV, to the point that I wonder if any should be in his POV.  Mostly though, I worry that the scene won't make the cut. That I'll have written it for nothing. Or rather, I worry that it's flat and boring and no one will want to read it.

I have a hard time writing flirting. I have a hard time with male emotions/conversations. I have the worst time trying to add 'romance' to non sex scenes.

I LOVE reading romance stories. For me, they're the cotton candy of the book world. They may not be creme brule or steak and potatoes, but sometimes all I really want is a light fluffy sugary something. The way my life is, I deal with chronic pain and chronic illness - they eat at me - so sometimes when I pick up a book what I really want is to escape into something easier, something simpler, something where my brain doesn't have to think too much, and romance stories are perfect for that.

Writing them though. I'm not sure I've got the knack. But I'll never know until I try. The more I write, the better I get. True, editing really does make a better writer, but editing is for December. Besides, I find I work best if I just get it all out, and THEN go back once I'm done.

In all of my 45 pages I have one 'sex scene' so far. It's broken up into to parts. Eli gives Ben a bj, then Ben uses his fingers to give Eli many clit orgasms. Why I didn't think to have him eat her out I really don't know. I didn't even think of it until now. I guess it wasn't what I wanted at the time.

I have a couple more places for sex scenes, so there will be more sex. I'm just.. well I'm rather surprised at myself for not including more. Still, I'm only on the end of day two of her visit. I don't think it's weird that they haven't gotten to the sex yet.

I just. Damnit, I'm having the hardest time figuring out which bits are important. But I guess that's part of why I need to write everything. Once I edit this, next month, or the month after - I feel I edit best once I've let something sit, that way I'm less attached, and less critical of myself.

This is why I'm doing NANO. I'm my own worst critic, and that very often has stopped me from writing anything at all. So NANO forces me to let myself write, it gives me a venue to brain drump.

Right now I'm at a point in the story where I don't actually know what to write. I know what I want to happen...vaguely.. But I'm not sure how to write it. *Sigh*

I actually think I need a nap, as I'm feeling super exhausted. Perhaps later today I'll have a better handle on it. And if not, I'll just join a word war, and start writing something. I've found that if I give myself the permission to write crap, and just get the scene started, just get the momentum going, eventually what I'm writing feels like it's clicked. And sometimes there are even gems of phrases or wording in the crap that I know in editing will be great.

But every day, every scene, I just have to convince myself: it's a rough draft, it's totally allowed to suck, just get the story out, figure out what's important or what you missed later.

For whatever reason, my doubt has me thinking of Dune, and the BeneGesserit


I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.


I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

~~~~~Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.