Feminist Porn Awards

The sixth annual Feminist Porn Awards, presented by Good for Her here in Toronto was last night. We had plans to go, but chronic illness and pain trumps any plans. We were able to make it to the Public Provocative Porn viewing the night before, happily. Man, that was fun! There was some April Flores (my favorite!) pieces, so hot, and the last clip was of a film called Mommy is Coming, which is still being edited. Oh em gee! It was funny and sexy and just wonderful. I can't wait for it to come out!

Tristan Taramino introduced the viewing, and her speech was very inspiring. I know that might sound trite, even to me, but her words are making me question...my decision to edit myself. What I mean is, I write porn. I've tried writing other things, but in the end, what moves me, what interests me is porn, or at least stories where the sex isn't edited out. I love sex; it's a huge part of my life. When I write, I write about people like me, people for which sex isn't some passing thing, but is an integral part of their lives, and affects their decision making. Tristan made me feel like it wouldn't be a bad thing to admit it, no to own it.

There was a panel discussion before the porn viewing where the directors, and one actress discussed what brought them to porn, and what motivated them to make the porn they do.  I heard the same answers over and over from them: they couldn't find porn where their own bodies, their own passions were represented; they wanted to make porn that would speak to them, to who they were, and what they desired.

At the time, I didn't think the discussion spoke to me, but now, now it makes me wonder if it really isn't a bad thing to write about women like me. You see, I've been trying to hide, or rather disguise, the fact that most of my heroines are some reflection of me. It felt like cheating. Like I should be writing about someone wholly unrelated to me, that I should be completely making it up. But most of the female authors I read have heroines that are a reflection of them, at least physically, and I'm sure part of them comes out too. I mean, it has to doesn't it? I've read that for some writers their work is a reflection of their life in some way, and for other writers it's really not. One way isn't better than the other; what does it matter as long as the story is interesting? Right?

My hubby and I are thinking about going to a kink party in May. The theme is Horror, Horror movies, Horror novels, the whole Friday the 13th is a bloody day thing. In trying to figure out what kind of costume/outfit to wear, I was once again faced with the issue that women like me aren't in any books or any movies, horror or otherwise. You just never see a fat chick as the heroine, hell, you almost never see a side character that is fat and female. Curvy, voluptuous, sure - on occasion, but not fat, not truly fat. And that's me. I'm fat. I'm not curvy; I'm way beyond curvy. I don't even have giant boobs to offset it! I'm totally jealous of women with nice racks. I mean, I'm not flat chested, I have boobs, but they aren't the first thing you see when you look at me, ya know?

Anyway, the point is, I don't feel like I'm being represented, physically or even mentally in movies or novels, at least none I've read, and certainly not in the type of books I love. I love paranormal books, mystery, violence, sex, vampires, werewolves, stories where the things that go bump in the night are real, and want to eat you.

So maybe it's a good thing to write about women like me. Women of size, us fat chicks, and women of unabashed lust, us women who like sex and aren't going to apologize for it.

Long Time No Write....

True on so many levels. I haven't actually written anything since NaNo.  I haven't even gone back to edit my work -- something I still vow to do.  Which reminds me, I need to add "buy printer paper" to my list of things to do, or I'll never get it edited.  I'm one of those writers who likes to see things on a real live page.  Somehow it just makes it all so much more clear in my head for me to be able to lay it out page by page, physically in front of me.

So what have I been up to lately?  Reading romance novels, trying to survive the winter with a chronic illness that kicks my ass ten times harder in the cold, and well, just trying to have some semblance of a life.  Living with chronic illness makes that last one harder than healthy people would think!  But really, three months into being married, and I'm still totally a newlywed, and all stupidly gooey happy to be married; it makes everything else seem unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I do have a bit of exciting news though, well for me anyway -- I'm going to take a creative writing course at UofT in April! If that goes well, I am thinking of taking/looking into their 'certificate in creative writing'. It's in their Continuing Education department, which means anyone over 18 can take it, which is good for me since my grades weren't good enough to get me into grad school.  Still, it sounds a lot like a master's program to me, which is kinda neat.  What I'm really excited about is the fact that the course sounds actually useful and helpful!  I love to write, but the one thing that's always plagued me is how to put a story together to have a meaningful/exciting/coherent arc over a whole novel. I've just never written anything that long before.  So, I think a little training certain can't hurt! Excited!!

Last Night's Dream

I had the strangest dream last night. Long, complicated, and rather interesting. I think it will end up making a very good short story, but if I don't record it, I'll forget!

It starts out, I am the 20-ish daughter of a single mom with a younger sister and brother. I was hanging out with my cousin, who was about the same age as me, in my bedroom in the back of our apartment. I had to pee and went off in search of a free bathroom. I found both my sister and brother in our 2 bathtubs. As I was heading back to my sister to get her to hurry, since she was older, I saw two tall young men prowling through our apartment. They struck fear into my heart. I motioned to my sister to be still and silent as they passed. I heard them head to my room where they found my cousin. They dragged her into the living room. It was clear to me they were goint to rape and torture her. They hadn't found my mom in her office. Our only hope was that she'd heard and was calling the police.

I ran silently to my brother while they were busy, making it just in time. In trying to warn him, I dropped the shower curtain, and half fell into the tub myself. They heard me. I hid my brother behind the tub, and made like I was the one in the bath. I didn't wan them to get their hands on him!

They found me, and with evil demented laughter the taller, skinnier, black haired one tried to drown me. But for some reason it didn't work. He rapped me, anally even, over the side of the tub. All the water I'd breathed through came up, and thn I nearly drowned! But I survived, only to have the chubby one come in with my mom and sister. Then they pulled out my little brother.... One pulled out a machete, the other demon went and got a chainsaw from somewhere. All the while they laughed like it was great fun.

I knew what they were going to do. I covered my face with my hands and started babbling. I knew then it was a dream and I wanted out, only I was way too panicked to remember the words or to concentrate. I heard the chainsaw start, I heard the wet ripping sounds, my mind filled in the banks, and in the sudden silence, I heard the pieces drop.

I was hyperventilating, on my way to passing out when the dark haired one grabbed a fistful of my hair and slammed my face into the porcelain. Bloodied, but still, somehow with all my teeth, I looked up at him. His face was ghostly white. His eyes looked like they were bleeding black, his teeth, black stained fangs. Fear rose hard and heavy. I forced his erection in my mouth, came all over my face, made me swallow some of it, then asked if it burned. As he asked, I realized it did. It, really did. Like hellfire. 'Welcome to death', he said then. My heart sunk. Until that moment I'd been hoping to survive.

The landscape changed then, and I was watching as my mother and siblings braved a daring rescue. They young men weren't human, human weapons did nothing. Hell, I chopped off half his face and still the one tormenting me lived! They were new to their demon status though, and didn't know themselves, it allowed us to escape through a window.

We fled in my mom's little car, somehow finding my aunt the witch. She helped us escape to Mexico, from southern California, only they found us! We were disguised, but my cousin and I both had tattoos, which gave us away.

My aunt stopped time long enough for us to get away. She sent us on a boat, sending us speeding south, holding on for dear life. When we arrived, it as just the two of us, my cousin and I. We guessed my aunt realized my family would be safer without us.

We were in a little fishing village, neither of us, spoke much Spanish, but somehow we managed to learn, and gets jobs on the boats.

Fast forward to almost a year later. I'm the captain of our little boat, we head out to sea, only to come on a fast breaking storm. The waves were so high! We battled for half an hour, before the ship capsized, and I went down with it. We weren't the only boat in the water and as I slowly went down I saw the other crews floating. They were all headed out to sea. I reached the sandy bottom, and saw shore was the other way. There must have been a rescue ship. I stayed low. I knew the storm wasn't natural. It was they boys coming after us. They couldn't find me with the crew. I wanted to head to the shore, but the current was far too strong. So I had to wait. Finally, I came up, but I was in Oregon, of all places.

I was on shore of what must have been a military base... They were doing some kind of war training, different teams, but they were torturing, raping... I couldn't stand it. I went into their camps at night (they were living in tents and make-shift shelters), and strung up the rapists, hung them from trees. I didn't kill them, just scared them, singled them out, terrorized them. Finally, their commander, a handsome blond man found me. I was like something wild...

Things get foggy... I ended up on his sailing yacht, working it with him... In a relationship...with him... He promised to keep me safe from the demons..... My cousin and I ended up double crossing the boys, aka the demons. Well, my other cousin. The one I was first with, she died in the ocean...or was lost to the ocean, I'm not sure which. This cousin was another brave young woman... A witch, the other's sister, I believe.  She was going to teach the one that tormented me a lesson.....  The other we fed to the sea.

Whoo. And now I need to shower and get something warm on! Brrr!

A Taste.......

"Well, well, well... What do we have here?" Jazz asked as she surveyed the scene.

She'd expected to find Dawson and his wife, or rather the woman that posed at his wife when she broke into his house, however, she didn't expect to find another women with them. She certainly didn't expect to find the two women naked, gagged, and bound with their hands behind their backs. Nor did she expect to find John in his boxer-briefs welding a leather flogger. She most certainly didn't expect to be hit with the wall of lust that was now burning into her brain.

Dawson turned and smiled at her, "This is a pleasant surprise! Jazz, I'd like you to meet my partner Eileen, and her friend Kaitlin," he said pointing the flogger at them in turn.

Eileen was a slim woman with a nice figure, and skin the colour of dark honey. Her dark brown eyes held a fierce intelligence. She was most definitely sizing up Jazz, though not yet with any malice. Her shiny, thick, dark brown hair fell over her ample breasts, and down her back, almost to her ass. She had a beautiful swirling tattoo over her left hip that disappeared up her back. Jazz couldn't quite make out what it was, possibly a koi fish, something with water, that much was certain. Jazz had to resist the urge to get a better look right then and there. It made her wonder if Eileen was another water sprite.

Kaitlin was Eileen's opposite in many ways. They were both about the same size physically, but Kaitlin was light where Eileen was dark. She had thick blond hair that was up in a ponytail, bright blue eyes, and pale skin. She also had the largest breasts Jazz had ever seen, that weren't fake. Jazz couldn't stop staring at them. Kaitlin's nipples hardened as Jazz soaked in the sight of her. Her breasts were pushed out by they way she was bound making them seem all the more large and vulnerable. She had wonderful round hips, and a cute little belly. Jazz's eyes were drawn back to her marvellous breasts. Her large pale pink areolae began to crinkle as her nipples swelled. Jazz growled low in her throat. She could feel the heat, the unvented lust, coming off of Kaitlin in blistering waves. And there was nothing she wanted more than to fulfill Kaitlin's fantasy.

Does masturbation count as a workout??

What if I wanked for three hours? In a row....

Last night I believe it was, I was cuddling with my hubby, and he was looking at his blog list.... the kinky ones at least... and there was this image on www.bondageblog.com that really stuck out in my mind. He was flipping through them pretty quickly, so two kind of got superimposed on my brain.

Read more to see what I'm talking about.....

Not Sexy!

It's snowing! It's so so damn pretty!!

I put up my parents Christmas Tree last week, and now there is snow.  It's offically Christmas Season for me!  I love Christmas. It's my favourite holiday.  I love all the old movies, I love the Carols, I even love the hymns!  I'm an athiest, but I can't help but sing along to 'We Three Kings'.  It's ingrained in my childhood, and I had a happy one, so all the hymn and carols are attached to wonderful Christmas memories.

There are a couple Christmas memories that are more this blog's style.  Like the xmas eve where I spent the whole night on the phone with a man, that ended in phone sex at 8:30am. lol. Gods that was hot.  Or my hubby's xmas tradition of having sex in my childhood bedroom -- this being before we were married, btw.  This will be our first xmas as a married couple.... Aww, I know. We are total goober newlyweds, I tell you what!

Hrm... What I should be telling you it something more....sexy... Let me think on it and get back to you this evening.. There is one thing that piqued my own interest, but it's not firmed up into a real scenario yet.... And well.. I'm not sure I want to write about phone sex man... though he did have one of the sexiest voices I've ever heard.  He could make me wet, just by hearing his voice....

Sometimes I Borrow From My Life...

This is another excerpt from my Nano novella. Part of it is very true to my life, sadly not the sexy bit. The first time I ever had baklava was at a restaurant called La Luna. They sell baklava... I was having dinner there with a female friend, she convinced me by twisting my rubber arm, to share an order of baklava. Can I just say, wowsa, sooo effing good. I had a foodgasm, and totally embarrassed my homophobic friend. It was GREAT!


I turned that experience, I hope, into something much sexier. I will let y'all be the judges.