Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I won Nano!!

51,240 words to be exact.

6,614 words, or 15 pages (with section breaks) written today!! I've never written so much! And I don't feel totally melted! Go me!!

My story isn't finished though. Close. So close. Going to keep writing like the wind, and hopefully, by the end of November I will have a complete rough draft!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Behind on Word Count, Plot stalled

As of today, I'm behind on my Nano, by oh, a couple thousand words.

Bigger issue is, I have no... inspiration for my sex scene. How did I manage to only have ONE, ONE sex scene?! This isn't like me at all. Weirder still is, I can't seem to write the bloody thing! BAH!

And my plot. Fuck plot. I'm screwed! I can no climax, because I can't figure out the fucking logistics! Gods damnit.

So I know I want my heroine to get kidnapped.
And she saves herself.
My hero arrives on scene (with or without? the cops) just in time to see my heroine beating the shit out of her stalker turned kidnapper.

It's all the bit inbetween that are making me crazy.

How does the stalker steal/car jack the taxi? --- Car jackings only work 50% of the time, and are physical and violent. My stalker is cool violent, but he's so not the hand to hand type.

How does my stalker subdue my Heroine? --- She's taking a cab to the train station, it's a five minute ride. She doesn't know the area, so she isn't going to know they're going the wrong way until that five minute point. At that point how is he going to keep her from calling the cops, or just jumping out of the cab? It's just him, he can't have a gun pointed at her, watch her AND drive.

Does he knock her out? --- If so, with WHAT?? I've done the research, his best bet would be diazepam. Aka. Vallum. He could use his Dad's pills and crush them to make a liquid for injection BUT he'd HAVE to hit a vein or it wouldn't work, intramuscular injection is shoddy and unpredictable.

If he goes with injected vallum, how long will it last? -- A medically approved does works in under ten minutes, if done via a vein, and it's half-life is 30-60 minutes, which means about that time the patient will likely be more themselves than not. How does that timeline change when the 'patient' basically ODs? Overdose is safe in a healthy person, so he's not at risk of killing her, just knocking her out for longer, I'm assuming? But that's just it, I couldn't find info on how much longer, if longer it would work. From what I read it WOULD work longer, as the same dose for a heathly adult, in an elderly person would be stronger and last longer. But HOW much longer?

Assuming he manages to get the cab, what does he do with the cabbie???  Does he hit him unconscious? Does he shoot him and stick him in the trunk for later disposal? Does he tie/tape him up and put him in the trunk to deal with later? AGAIN what does he do with the cabbie? Once he gets Eli to his shop, does he go out and dump the cab with cabie? But he'd have to have to put it somewhere far enough from his shop to not put suspicion on himself. And somewhere the cab wouldn't be noticed right away. BUT then how does he get back to his shop??

What does he do with the GPS that was in the cab? Does he remove it and put it in a car he's fixing?--trouble is, this is monday and the shop is closed, so the client would think it weird they were getting their car back, and the GPS would be too quickly located and traced back to my stalker.  Another idea, he can duct tape it to a transport truck that's being loaded in one of the neighbouring lots near his shop.

What is my stalker's fatal mistake, IE, how does the cops or just my colonel find him?!?! *sigh*  I don't want to make it too easy, but then, if I cover all my steps, then how the hell does he/they find her?! BAH, BAH I say!

There are so many questions! And not enough answers. Not enough plausible steps. It's all... too overwhelming. It makes me want to give up entirely. It's just too damn complicated. And every time I think I have a solution, I only raise more questions. And my husband, who I forced into helping me vett my plan just kept raining all over my parade with hard truths that meant nothing I suggested would work. *pout*

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A New Day

And I'm kinda rather terrified to try that sex scene again. It was so hard to get even a few words last night. And my jaw still aches like nothing else I've dealt with.  I'm just not sure I can do it. *sigh*

Maybe I'll work on my plot. I still haven't figured out the logistics of the grand finale. I'm not sure What my stalker is going to do with Eli or how Eli is going to manage to get out of her bonds and kick his ass.

Maybe the stalker will underestimate her abilities? Maybe he'll get a call from his Dad and be forced to leave her alone? But I'm not sure anything would take him away from her, though a call from his Dad would most definitely make him leave the room as he wouldn't want her to hear how his father berates him, or how he does his father's bidding, for the most part. He wouldn't want to ruin Eli's opinion of him, or something.

I need to work on a plausible time-line though. I still haven't gotten that totally worked out yet.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


I do not want to work through my pain. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Or maybe scream. But if I start screaming I'm not sure I can stop.

Chronic Pain and Writing.

I live with chronic pain. Most of the time I'd say a do fairly well. Mind you, I can't hold down a job, but I can contribute to our little family by getting groceries, doing dishes, keeping the apartment clean, making soups, chili, muffins and the like.

For the past week now I've been flaring pretty badly. It's been an active fight to overcome/ignore the pain to the point I can use my brain for things like thinking and writing. I haven't had a lot of time where my brain was mine to use. Most of the time my brain shuts down it's higher functions in order to process less of the pain my body is wracked with.

When I'm in pain, I clench my teeth. I don't even notice I do it. I've tried to stop myself, but I don't seem capable. After the week I've had my mouth is in agony. My teeth ache root deep. The roots feel like hot spikes going into my jaw. It hurts to move my jaw at all. Eating is torture as it puts pressure on my teeth, and up the pain. Even soft things hurt.

I've been taking muscle relaxants. I even wore my night gaurd last night. But still I ache. It's horrible. It makes my whole face hurt, like someone has beat the shit out of me.

Needless to say, after all that, that it's very hard for me to find time when I'm not in agony, to write.

Today, the scene I need to write it one I've actually been looking forward to -- the first (only?) big sex scene in my novella. I think I might have to up the sex quotiant with like wanking/fantasy sessions in editing, but for now, first time my two MCs get together.

And you know what?! I can't fucking write it. My brain refuses to go there. I just. I can't. Goddess save me, I can't. It makes no sense. Sex is the only thing I've ever been sure I was good at writing, and now, now my brain refuses to process the scene.

What. The. Fuck.

The only thing I can even think to blame this on is the pain. I'm not sure I could write any other scene at the moment either. Just too much pain to go there. It overwhelms me. It crushes me. It beats me to a bloody mindless pulp.

I don't. I don't know what to do. How the fuck do I get myself to stop doing something that is as instinctual as breathing for me?! And how do I turn this ache down?! If I didn't think I knew the cause I'd be sitting in an ER somewhere begging for x-rays and pain killers. Man I wish I had some pain killers. *cries*

Monday, November 14, 2011


So I got to a pint in my story where I didn't know what to write. Wasn't the first time. But my brain also felt totally burnt out. So I took the weekend off. Now I'm 3,333 words down. *sigh*

I'm hoping I can manage at least 2,000 words today, and more tomorrow to catch up. Being a writer full time is very taxing on the brain! My 'creativity' feels very out of shape. lol.

Hopefully I can manage the scenes I have planned for today. I don't know if they will make the final cut, or if I'll have to edit them a million times. I'm just sooo bad at flirting, and that's the kind of scene I need to write. *sigh*

Wish me luck!

Friday, November 11, 2011

NANO 2011

So I've been totally remiss in posting here.

I totally blame the fact that I've been writing. I'm totally amazed by myself. Almost every day I've set out to write I've gotten about 2600 words. If I push myself I can make 3000 but that takes ALL day, and a late night usually.

I write to music. I need a soundtrack at all times or the silence actually distracts me. I know, I'm a little strange. But I'm not the only author that needs music.

Laurell K Hamilton always has music going when she writes it seems. Following her twitter feed has been really informative. She's a pretty cool lady. Though I think she's a bit of a health nut, and it seems like she doesn't eat enough to keep a bird alive. Still, I love hearing about her day to day writing. She's like a machine! Seriously. I don't think I could ever write as much as she does; if for no other reason than I type waaaaay slower than she does. She can do 250 words a minute!! How is that even possible? I don't know, but I'm impressed.

Anyway! This year, as mentioned, I'm doing a pretty traditional 'romance' story. It's one that's been stuck in my head for some time. Eli St Clair and Lt. Colonel Ben Davis.

I've never actually attempted a true romance before. Well, that is, I've never attempted one at this scale. Most of the things I've written, when not pure porn, have been stories of females discovering themselves, stories of personal growth from a woman's perspective. I guess I'm more of a feminist than I realized. heh. Cool.

Anyway! Geez. Off topic much?

This one isn't about self discovery. It's about two people who've developed feeling for each other online, taking a chance, spending time together, and coming to realize they never want to be apart again. I've added a little danger, and a 'villian' they can fight together. I'm sure in the editing I'll have to add more strife, more doubt or something...

So far I've got just over 20,000 words on 45 pages. I'm not entirely sure I'm half way through my story or not. The second half in terms of timeline, is content/action heavy.

This NANO I'm battling a lot of self doubt. Every time I start a scene I worry whether or not the scene is really necessary for the story, or if it's just pointless filler. I worry I'm not showing POV (point of view) well enough. I worry I don't have enough scenes in Ben's POV, to the point that I wonder if any should be in his POV.  Mostly though, I worry that the scene won't make the cut. That I'll have written it for nothing. Or rather, I worry that it's flat and boring and no one will want to read it.

I have a hard time writing flirting. I have a hard time with male emotions/conversations. I have the worst time trying to add 'romance' to non sex scenes.

I LOVE reading romance stories. For me, they're the cotton candy of the book world. They may not be creme brule or steak and potatoes, but sometimes all I really want is a light fluffy sugary something. The way my life is, I deal with chronic pain and chronic illness - they eat at me - so sometimes when I pick up a book what I really want is to escape into something easier, something simpler, something where my brain doesn't have to think too much, and romance stories are perfect for that.

Writing them though. I'm not sure I've got the knack. But I'll never know until I try. The more I write, the better I get. True, editing really does make a better writer, but editing is for December. Besides, I find I work best if I just get it all out, and THEN go back once I'm done.

In all of my 45 pages I have one 'sex scene' so far. It's broken up into to parts. Eli gives Ben a bj, then Ben uses his fingers to give Eli many clit orgasms. Why I didn't think to have him eat her out I really don't know. I didn't even think of it until now. I guess it wasn't what I wanted at the time.

I have a couple more places for sex scenes, so there will be more sex. I'm just.. well I'm rather surprised at myself for not including more. Still, I'm only on the end of day two of her visit. I don't think it's weird that they haven't gotten to the sex yet.

I just. Damnit, I'm having the hardest time figuring out which bits are important. But I guess that's part of why I need to write everything. Once I edit this, next month, or the month after - I feel I edit best once I've let something sit, that way I'm less attached, and less critical of myself.

This is why I'm doing NANO. I'm my own worst critic, and that very often has stopped me from writing anything at all. So NANO forces me to let myself write, it gives me a venue to brain drump.

Right now I'm at a point in the story where I don't actually know what to write. I know what I want to happen...vaguely.. But I'm not sure how to write it. *Sigh*

I actually think I need a nap, as I'm feeling super exhausted. Perhaps later today I'll have a better handle on it. And if not, I'll just join a word war, and start writing something. I've found that if I give myself the permission to write crap, and just get the scene started, just get the momentum going, eventually what I'm writing feels like it's clicked. And sometimes there are even gems of phrases or wording in the crap that I know in editing will be great.

But every day, every scene, I just have to convince myself: it's a rough draft, it's totally allowed to suck, just get the story out, figure out what's important or what you missed later.

For whatever reason, my doubt has me thinking of Dune, and the BeneGesserit

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

~~~~~Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's NANO Time Again!

November approaches. Where did the time go?

And we all know what November means -- the insanity that is National Novel Writing Month!!

This time my story is very simple. Possibly too simple for fifty thousand words, but it's the one my brain wants to write, has wanted to write for some time, and is the only one I've not already started. There are two other stories I've begun, but I can't bring work into NaNo, so I will do the one I can't quite get. Heh. Something will happen. Maybe the desperation of trying to finish will induce creativity.

I had a crazy, complicated, forced sex-slave in a male-dominated compound on some dry, barren, outpost world dream, that just might make a better NaNo, but I'm just not sure I want to write it. It still feels too close. It was one of the few dreams where I wasn't aware for more than a flashing moment that it was a dream. My mind lived it. My husband said I sounded panicked when I was relating it to him, and then gave me the glare with a "it's just a dream, it wasn't real", like I'm some kind of freak because my dreams affect me. Ma.

Anyway, I don't really want to write something that dark. Cause it would be very dark. Still, I do like that my heroine never gives up, but keeps trying to escape, and bring other women with her.

But no, I have a cheesy love-story. It's a much happier write, and read. Maybe not as much kinky, fucked up sex, but hopefully entertaining anyway.

Eli St Clair, 33, is a recently unemployed technical business analyst, with a double bachelor degree in computer engineering and commerce. She writes a kinky funny/educational column for a sex website, SEXUS.com, twice a month. She's tattooed, pierced, opinionated, kinky, tall, plump, and exactly what Ben needs in his life. She loves to bake, knit, read, hike, and swim. She's never taken a vacation that didn't revolve around beach and swimming.

Lt. Col. Benjamin Davis, 41, is a marine and engineer working out of Quantico, doing research. He is a widow of five years, with two half grown sons - Mathew 16, and Joshua 12. Ben's wife died of breast cancer. Every year Ben raises money by running a marathon for her. He will always love her, but he thinks he's ready to move on, to love again. Love seems to be knocking on his door, ready or not, and Eli, he could never say no to.

Back Story:

Ben and Eli meet when Ben comes up to Toronto to move his sister Jenna,Eli's best friend, out of the apartment she was living in with her abusive boyfriend. Jenna had 3-4 good friends there, to make sure she was safe and moved out before he came home. They were all worried her brother might go after the bastard. They forgot about Eli's mean streak. In their defense, all but Jenna had never seen a hint of it - Eli almost ran Kevin over when she saw the shiner he gave Jenna. Of course Kevin came home early and tried to make a scene. Eli and Ben kept him from getting within vocal distance of Jenna. Kevin made a crack about Jenna being like all women, unable to take care of themselves. Without warning Eli hauled off and punched him in the kisser. Kevin fell back, shocked and dazed. Eli kicked him in the balls with all she was worth, yelling for him to pick on someone his own size, that she'd show him what a woman could do. Dripping blood from a cut in his mouth Kevin called her a bitch, and lunged at her. Ben stopped him, and bodily pushed him back to his car, telling him to quit while he was ahead.

This moment locked Eli in Ben's brain. She was sexy as hell, smart, she got his humour, she loved his sister, was protective of her as a mama bear, and she had a mean right hook. She was no marine, but Semper Fi was in her blood. She was a kindred spirit.

Ben got Eli's # and email from Jenna, and spent the next 8-9 months flirting, talking, and slowly falling for Eli. The feeling was mutual.

When Eli was laid off, she, of curse started looking for work. Three months later, she was still unemployed despite a few good interviews. Ben offered to use his connections in Quantico, there were a lot of contractors he worked with that could use someone like her. He suggested maybe try a contract, see if she liked it where he was. Offered his home to her while she got herself settled in. Made it clear he'd be thrilled to have her close enough to finally get his hands on her. Eli finally agrees. She loves Canada, but she's ready for a change, and her heart is already half in VA, she might as well be there too.

Eli comes for a visit, and to have a few interviews with various companies, thanks to Ben's networking. Things seem fine at first, then the world starts sliding sideways.  Ben's tires are slashed, and his windows soaped with "stay away from her", "she's mine".

This is where I have some trouble. I'm not sure how to make the stalker escalate his anger. I know at one point I want him to bomb her car, but I feel like there needs to be something else between the tire slashing and the bomb. I'm just not sure WHAT. =/

Maybe he could try to run her over as she crosses a street? He could try to hit her car while she's on the road? He could follow her around in the mall while she's shopping?

I think what makes sense, is that he's watching her, he's been reading her column, sending her emails. He found her phone number and started calling, but Eli got so many calls from advertising places that she didn't realise she had a stalker. Eli got her number changed soon after, and got it unlisted, he couldn't find it. He kept sending emails, but he wasn't the only weirdo emailing because of her column, she thought nothing of it. When she mentioned she was coming to VA, one state over from him, he found out what flight, what airport, and waited there for her. He followed her back to Ben's home.

He starts watching the Lt. Col's house. He sees Eli and Ben in Ben's bedroom, kissing - that's when he slashes the tires during the night.

The next day (the day Ben wakes up to slashed tires), Ben and Eli do more than kiss. Again, creepy stalker, is watching, and he sees Eli shut the blinds in just her bra. He freaks. He puts a bomb in her car. When she leaves the house the next morning for her next interview, creepy stalker activates the bomb. The car blows, knocks Eli back, giving her a concussion, and destroys the garage door the car was parked in front of.

Ben sends his boys to his parents, worried they are going to get hit in the crossfire. This is when Eli realises her crazy stalker has come to pay a visit. He leaves angry messages on Ben's home phone - they find them after the bombing, and were made the day before. Eli checks her column email, and find more hateful messages, with warnings, and then with angry betrayal messages, and threats to her life.

Ben and Eli hole up in the house for a few days. Eli gets depressed, she's disrupted Ben's life, put his family in danger, and she hasn't a clue who this guy is!

Ben takes Eli out to dinner, trying to cheer her up. Promising he won't let anything happen to her. Creepy stalker starts shooting at them when they leave the restaurant, perhaps?

Eli and Ben spend the weekend, in his house? Or he could take her to his cottage? Not sure here.

Come Monday, Eli is determined to go to her interview. She won't let creepy stalker rule her life. Since her rental car is toast, and Ben has to go to work, she calls a cab from the home phone. Creepy stalker picks it up - she was using a wireless phone. He intercepts the cab and pretends to be the cabby and kidnaps her.

Ben doesn't realise anything is wrong until he calls her around noon, and doesn't get an answer. He calls the house, tries her again, and again. Finally Ben calls the company she had an interview with, he knows the guy who was interviewing her. Asks when she left. Guy says Eli never showed up. Now Ben gets worried....

Now I better go do some dishes before my husband flambes ME. heh.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Feminist Porn Awards

The sixth annual Feminist Porn Awards, presented by Good for Her here in Toronto was last night. We had plans to go, but chronic illness and pain trumps any plans. We were able to make it to the Public Provocative Porn viewing the night before, happily. Man, that was fun! There was some April Flores (my favorite!) pieces, so hot, and the last clip was of a film called Mommy is Coming, which is still being edited. Oh em gee! It was funny and sexy and just wonderful. I can't wait for it to come out!

Tristan Taramino introduced the viewing, and her speech was very inspiring. I know that might sound trite, even to me, but her words are making me question...my decision to edit myself. What I mean is, I write porn. I've tried writing other things, but in the end, what moves me, what interests me is porn, or at least stories where the sex isn't edited out. I love sex; it's a huge part of my life. When I write, I write about people like me, people for which sex isn't some passing thing, but is an integral part of their lives, and affects their decision making. Tristan made me feel like it wouldn't be a bad thing to admit it, no to own it.

There was a panel discussion before the porn viewing where the directors, and one actress discussed what brought them to porn, and what motivated them to make the porn they do.  I heard the same answers over and over from them: they couldn't find porn where their own bodies, their own passions were represented; they wanted to make porn that would speak to them, to who they were, and what they desired.

At the time, I didn't think the discussion spoke to me, but now, now it makes me wonder if it really isn't a bad thing to write about women like me. You see, I've been trying to hide, or rather disguise, the fact that most of my heroines are some reflection of me. It felt like cheating. Like I should be writing about someone wholly unrelated to me, that I should be completely making it up. But most of the female authors I read have heroines that are a reflection of them, at least physically, and I'm sure part of them comes out too. I mean, it has to doesn't it? I've read that for some writers their work is a reflection of their life in some way, and for other writers it's really not. One way isn't better than the other; what does it matter as long as the story is interesting? Right?

My hubby and I are thinking about going to a kink party in May. The theme is Horror, Horror movies, Horror novels, the whole Friday the 13th is a bloody day thing. In trying to figure out what kind of costume/outfit to wear, I was once again faced with the issue that women like me aren't in any books or any movies, horror or otherwise. You just never see a fat chick as the heroine, hell, you almost never see a side character that is fat and female. Curvy, voluptuous, sure - on occasion, but not fat, not truly fat. And that's me. I'm fat. I'm not curvy; I'm way beyond curvy. I don't even have giant boobs to offset it! I'm totally jealous of women with nice racks. I mean, I'm not flat chested, I have boobs, but they aren't the first thing you see when you look at me, ya know?

Anyway, the point is, I don't feel like I'm being represented, physically or even mentally in movies or novels, at least none I've read, and certainly not in the type of books I love. I love paranormal books, mystery, violence, sex, vampires, werewolves, stories where the things that go bump in the night are real, and want to eat you.

So maybe it's a good thing to write about women like me. Women of size, us fat chicks, and women of unabashed lust, us women who like sex and aren't going to apologize for it.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Long Time No Write....

True on so many levels. I haven't actually written anything since NaNo.  I haven't even gone back to edit my work -- something I still vow to do.  Which reminds me, I need to add "buy printer paper" to my list of things to do, or I'll never get it edited.  I'm one of those writers who likes to see things on a real live page.  Somehow it just makes it all so much more clear in my head for me to be able to lay it out page by page, physically in front of me.

So what have I been up to lately?  Reading romance novels, trying to survive the winter with a chronic illness that kicks my ass ten times harder in the cold, and well, just trying to have some semblance of a life.  Living with chronic illness makes that last one harder than healthy people would think!  But really, three months into being married, and I'm still totally a newlywed, and all stupidly gooey happy to be married; it makes everything else seem unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I do have a bit of exciting news though, well for me anyway -- I'm going to take a creative writing course at UofT in April! If that goes well, I am thinking of taking/looking into their 'certificate in creative writing'. It's in their Continuing Education department, which means anyone over 18 can take it, which is good for me since my grades weren't good enough to get me into grad school.  Still, it sounds a lot like a master's program to me, which is kinda neat.  What I'm really excited about is the fact that the course sounds actually useful and helpful!  I love to write, but the one thing that's always plagued me is how to put a story together to have a meaningful/exciting/coherent arc over a whole novel. I've just never written anything that long before.  So, I think a little training certain can't hurt! Excited!!