I won Nano!!

51,240 words to be exact.

6,614 words, or 15 pages (with section breaks) written today!! I've never written so much! And I don't feel totally melted! Go me!!

My story isn't finished though. Close. So close. Going to keep writing like the wind, and hopefully, by the end of November I will have a complete rough draft!

Behind on Word Count, Plot stalled

As of today, I'm behind on my Nano, by oh, a couple thousand words.

Bigger issue is, I have no... inspiration for my sex scene. How did I manage to only have ONE, ONE sex scene?! This isn't like me at all. Weirder still is, I can't seem to write the bloody thing! BAH!

And my plot. Fuck plot. I'm screwed! I can no climax, because I can't figure out the fucking logistics! Gods damnit.

So I know I want my heroine to get kidnapped.
And she saves herself.
My hero arrives on scene (with or without? the cops) just in time to see my heroine beating the shit out of her stalker turned kidnapper.

It's all the bit inbetween that are making me crazy.

ONE
How does the stalker steal/car jack the taxi? --- Car jackings only work 50% of the time, and are physical and violent. My stalker is cool violent, but he's so not the hand to hand type.

TWO
How does my stalker subdue my Heroine? --- She's taking a cab to the train station, it's a five minute ride. She doesn't know the area, so she isn't going to know they're going the wrong way until that five minute point. At that point how is he going to keep her from calling the cops, or just jumping out of the cab? It's just him, he can't have a gun pointed at her, watch her AND drive.

THREE
Does he knock her out? --- If so, with WHAT?? I've done the research, his best bet would be diazepam. Aka. Vallum. He could use his Dad's pills and crush them to make a liquid for injection BUT he'd HAVE to hit a vein or it wouldn't work, intramuscular injection is shoddy and unpredictable.

FOUR
If he goes with injected vallum, how long will it last? -- A medically approved does works in under ten minutes, if done via a vein, and it's half-life is 30-60 minutes, which means about that time the patient will likely be more themselves than not. How does that timeline change when the 'patient' basically ODs? Overdose is safe in a healthy person, so he's not at risk of killing her, just knocking her out for longer, I'm assuming? But that's just it, I couldn't find info on how much longer, if longer it would work. From what I read it WOULD work longer, as the same dose for a heathly adult, in an elderly person would be stronger and last longer. But HOW much longer?

FIVE
Assuming he manages to get the cab, what does he do with the cabbie???  Does he hit him unconscious? Does he shoot him and stick him in the trunk for later disposal? Does he tie/tape him up and put him in the trunk to deal with later? AGAIN what does he do with the cabbie? Once he gets Eli to his shop, does he go out and dump the cab with cabie? But he'd have to have to put it somewhere far enough from his shop to not put suspicion on himself. And somewhere the cab wouldn't be noticed right away. BUT then how does he get back to his shop??

SIX
What does he do with the GPS that was in the cab? Does he remove it and put it in a car he's fixing?--trouble is, this is monday and the shop is closed, so the client would think it weird they were getting their car back, and the GPS would be too quickly located and traced back to my stalker.  Another idea, he can duct tape it to a transport truck that's being loaded in one of the neighbouring lots near his shop.

SEVEN
What is my stalker's fatal mistake, IE, how does the cops or just my colonel find him?!?! *sigh*  I don't want to make it too easy, but then, if I cover all my steps, then how the hell does he/they find her?! BAH, BAH I say!

There are so many questions! And not enough answers. Not enough plausible steps. It's all... too overwhelming. It makes me want to give up entirely. It's just too damn complicated. And every time I think I have a solution, I only raise more questions. And my husband, who I forced into helping me vett my plan just kept raining all over my parade with hard truths that meant nothing I suggested would work. *pout*

A New Day

And I'm kinda rather terrified to try that sex scene again. It was so hard to get even a few words last night. And my jaw still aches like nothing else I've dealt with.  I'm just not sure I can do it. *sigh*

Maybe I'll work on my plot. I still haven't figured out the logistics of the grand finale. I'm not sure What my stalker is going to do with Eli or how Eli is going to manage to get out of her bonds and kick his ass.

Maybe the stalker will underestimate her abilities? Maybe he'll get a call from his Dad and be forced to leave her alone? But I'm not sure anything would take him away from her, though a call from his Dad would most definitely make him leave the room as he wouldn't want her to hear how his father berates him, or how he does his father's bidding, for the most part. He wouldn't want to ruin Eli's opinion of him, or something.

I need to work on a plausible time-line though. I still haven't gotten that totally worked out yet.

Ow.

I do not want to work through my pain. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Or maybe scream. But if I start screaming I'm not sure I can stop.

Chronic Pain and Writing.

I live with chronic pain. Most of the time I'd say a do fairly well. Mind you, I can't hold down a job, but I can contribute to our little family by getting groceries, doing dishes, keeping the apartment clean, making soups, chili, muffins and the like.

For the past week now I've been flaring pretty badly. It's been an active fight to overcome/ignore the pain to the point I can use my brain for things like thinking and writing. I haven't had a lot of time where my brain was mine to use. Most of the time my brain shuts down it's higher functions in order to process less of the pain my body is wracked with.

When I'm in pain, I clench my teeth. I don't even notice I do it. I've tried to stop myself, but I don't seem capable. After the week I've had my mouth is in agony. My teeth ache root deep. The roots feel like hot spikes going into my jaw. It hurts to move my jaw at all. Eating is torture as it puts pressure on my teeth, and up the pain. Even soft things hurt.

I've been taking muscle relaxants. I even wore my night gaurd last night. But still I ache. It's horrible. It makes my whole face hurt, like someone has beat the shit out of me.

Needless to say, after all that, that it's very hard for me to find time when I'm not in agony, to write.

Today, the scene I need to write it one I've actually been looking forward to -- the first (only?) big sex scene in my novella. I think I might have to up the sex quotiant with like wanking/fantasy sessions in editing, but for now, first time my two MCs get together.

And you know what?! I can't fucking write it. My brain refuses to go there. I just. I can't. Goddess save me, I can't. It makes no sense. Sex is the only thing I've ever been sure I was good at writing, and now, now my brain refuses to process the scene.

What. The. Fuck.

The only thing I can even think to blame this on is the pain. I'm not sure I could write any other scene at the moment either. Just too much pain to go there. It overwhelms me. It crushes me. It beats me to a bloody mindless pulp.

I don't. I don't know what to do. How the fuck do I get myself to stop doing something that is as instinctual as breathing for me?! And how do I turn this ache down?! If I didn't think I knew the cause I'd be sitting in an ER somewhere begging for x-rays and pain killers. Man I wish I had some pain killers. *cries*

Update

So I got to a pint in my story where I didn't know what to write. Wasn't the first time. But my brain also felt totally burnt out. So I took the weekend off. Now I'm 3,333 words down. *sigh*

I'm hoping I can manage at least 2,000 words today, and more tomorrow to catch up. Being a writer full time is very taxing on the brain! My 'creativity' feels very out of shape. lol.

Hopefully I can manage the scenes I have planned for today. I don't know if they will make the final cut, or if I'll have to edit them a million times. I'm just sooo bad at flirting, and that's the kind of scene I need to write. *sigh*

Wish me luck!

NANO 2011

So I've been totally remiss in posting here.

I totally blame the fact that I've been writing. I'm totally amazed by myself. Almost every day I've set out to write I've gotten about 2600 words. If I push myself I can make 3000 but that takes ALL day, and a late night usually.

I write to music. I need a soundtrack at all times or the silence actually distracts me. I know, I'm a little strange. But I'm not the only author that needs music.

Laurell K Hamilton always has music going when she writes it seems. Following her twitter feed has been really informative. She's a pretty cool lady. Though I think she's a bit of a health nut, and it seems like she doesn't eat enough to keep a bird alive. Still, I love hearing about her day to day writing. She's like a machine! Seriously. I don't think I could ever write as much as she does; if for no other reason than I type waaaaay slower than she does. She can do 250 words a minute!! How is that even possible? I don't know, but I'm impressed.

Anyway! This year, as mentioned, I'm doing a pretty traditional 'romance' story. It's one that's been stuck in my head for some time. Eli St Clair and Lt. Colonel Ben Davis.

I've never actually attempted a true romance before. Well, that is, I've never attempted one at this scale. Most of the things I've written, when not pure porn, have been stories of females discovering themselves, stories of personal growth from a woman's perspective. I guess I'm more of a feminist than I realized. heh. Cool.

Anyway! Geez. Off topic much?

This one isn't about self discovery. It's about two people who've developed feeling for each other online, taking a chance, spending time together, and coming to realize they never want to be apart again. I've added a little danger, and a 'villian' they can fight together. I'm sure in the editing I'll have to add more strife, more doubt or something...

So far I've got just over 20,000 words on 45 pages. I'm not entirely sure I'm half way through my story or not. The second half in terms of timeline, is content/action heavy.

This NANO I'm battling a lot of self doubt. Every time I start a scene I worry whether or not the scene is really necessary for the story, or if it's just pointless filler. I worry I'm not showing POV (point of view) well enough. I worry I don't have enough scenes in Ben's POV, to the point that I wonder if any should be in his POV.  Mostly though, I worry that the scene won't make the cut. That I'll have written it for nothing. Or rather, I worry that it's flat and boring and no one will want to read it.

I have a hard time writing flirting. I have a hard time with male emotions/conversations. I have the worst time trying to add 'romance' to non sex scenes.

I LOVE reading romance stories. For me, they're the cotton candy of the book world. They may not be creme brule or steak and potatoes, but sometimes all I really want is a light fluffy sugary something. The way my life is, I deal with chronic pain and chronic illness - they eat at me - so sometimes when I pick up a book what I really want is to escape into something easier, something simpler, something where my brain doesn't have to think too much, and romance stories are perfect for that.

Writing them though. I'm not sure I've got the knack. But I'll never know until I try. The more I write, the better I get. True, editing really does make a better writer, but editing is for December. Besides, I find I work best if I just get it all out, and THEN go back once I'm done.

In all of my 45 pages I have one 'sex scene' so far. It's broken up into to parts. Eli gives Ben a bj, then Ben uses his fingers to give Eli many clit orgasms. Why I didn't think to have him eat her out I really don't know. I didn't even think of it until now. I guess it wasn't what I wanted at the time.

I have a couple more places for sex scenes, so there will be more sex. I'm just.. well I'm rather surprised at myself for not including more. Still, I'm only on the end of day two of her visit. I don't think it's weird that they haven't gotten to the sex yet.

I just. Damnit, I'm having the hardest time figuring out which bits are important. But I guess that's part of why I need to write everything. Once I edit this, next month, or the month after - I feel I edit best once I've let something sit, that way I'm less attached, and less critical of myself.

This is why I'm doing NANO. I'm my own worst critic, and that very often has stopped me from writing anything at all. So NANO forces me to let myself write, it gives me a venue to brain drump.

Right now I'm at a point in the story where I don't actually know what to write. I know what I want to happen...vaguely.. But I'm not sure how to write it. *Sigh*

I actually think I need a nap, as I'm feeling super exhausted. Perhaps later today I'll have a better handle on it. And if not, I'll just join a word war, and start writing something. I've found that if I give myself the permission to write crap, and just get the scene started, just get the momentum going, eventually what I'm writing feels like it's clicked. And sometimes there are even gems of phrases or wording in the crap that I know in editing will be great.

But every day, every scene, I just have to convince myself: it's a rough draft, it's totally allowed to suck, just get the story out, figure out what's important or what you missed later.

For whatever reason, my doubt has me thinking of Dune, and the BeneGesserit


I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.


I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

~~~~~Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.